Not a day goes by after January 8th that I am not confronted of my fears not only of the future but also for my existence. Every single day I listen to my heart beat. My first hyperventilation caused me to worry too much about my heart’s condition. I’ve been to a lot of doctors. I’ve had series of tests since then. Some of them actually said some things that do not make sense to me that I stopped taking medicine for fear that they will just aggravate my situation. I started worrying about my heart then my chest, back, throat, and the latest…jaws. I have a hard time sleeping alone that most nights of the week are spent with my friends. Honestly, there are days that I don’t want to pack my things anymore. I just want to stay home. I don’t want to bother other people anymore. I’ve disturbed more people than I can possibly imagine. I’m doing things to help me divert my attention from here to there. Sigh. I am tired. I am physically tired. I just want to go back to my old routine. When is this going to end? I don’t want this anymore. I just want to be fine. Cries. It seems that my fears are bigger than me and I have to overcome them. I have to! Most aspects of my life have been affected. I can’t let this “whatever-this-is-illness” ruin everything that I have/used to have or am/used to be. In some ways“this” is helping me see and appreciate things clearer however generally it’s affecting my entire life a great deal. I feel so weak, helpless, and dependent. This is not me. What happened to me? What have I done?
Dear God, please heal me ASAP. This has been lingering for a long time now and it’s not fun anymore, please, please. I miss my bed. I miss hanging out with a few old friends. Most of all, I miss my old, happy me. Amen.
If there are people I have hurt in one way or another, please forgive me and please just be patient with me. I know that one day the sun will shine brightly at me again because I’d like to think that God is trying to teach me a lesson with this experience. I am hopeful and I will never stop clinging onto God’s promises.