Bare Me, Bear Me

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Not a day goes by after January 8th that I am not confronted of my fears not only of the future but also for my existence.  Every single day I listen to my heart beat.  My first hyperventilation caused me to worry too much about my heart’s condition.  I’ve been to a lot of doctors.  I’ve had series of tests since then.  Some of them actually said some things that do not make sense to me that I stopped taking medicine for fear that they will just aggravate my situation. I started worrying about my heart then my chest, back, throat, and the latest…jaws.  I have a hard time sleeping alone that most nights of the week are spent with my friends.  Honestly, there are days that I don’t want to pack my things anymore.  I just want to stay home. I don’t want to bother other people anymore.  I’ve disturbed more people than I can possibly imagine.  I’m doing things to help me divert my attention from here to there.  Sigh. I am tired.  I am physically tired. I just want to go back to my old routine.   When is this going to end? I don’t want this anymore.  I just want to be fine.  Cries.  It seems that my fears are bigger than me and I have to overcome them.  I have to! Most aspects of my life have been affected. I can’t let this “whatever-this-is-illness” ruin everything that I have/used to have or am/used to be.  In some ways“this” is helping me see and appreciate things clearer however generally it’s affecting my entire life a great deal.  I feel so weak, helpless, and dependent.  This is not me.  What happened to me? What have I done? 

Dear God, please heal me ASAP. This has been lingering for a long time now and it’s not fun anymore, please, please.  I miss my bed. I miss hanging out with a few old friends.  Most of all, I miss my old, happy me.  Amen.

 

If there are people I have hurt in one way or another, please forgive me and please just be patient with me.  I know that one day the sun will shine brightly at me again because I’d like to think that God is trying to teach me a lesson with this experience.  I am hopeful and I will never stop clinging onto God’s promises.

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