I Messed Up Yet God Still Loves Me

THE FEAR

Playing music in front of a crowd frightens me.  My body feels cold, my hands shake, my heart palpitates faster than the normal speed, and my mind is just all over the place.  In other words, I get so nervous that sometimes I just can’t control myself. It’s bad.  It is really bad.  However, I want to conquer this fear.  Anyway, I don’t have a reputation to worry about as far as playing music is concerned so last night I invited my dear friend Vish, the Sri Lankan colleague and friend who stays right above my flat, to play music with me on our faculty worship today. I am grateful she agreed with my idea.  We are actually the worship leaders at work and neither one of us is willing to speak today so to solve this dilemma, we decided to do it together by playing instruments.

THE TRAGEDY

She did great!

I messed up.

I messed up especially at the beginning.  I barely controlled the bow.  I was just shaking terribly.  I couldn’t hold the four counts when in fact it was the easiest! What happened to me? We played this song before during the Pathfinder Camp’s Divine Worship and we were amazing! But what happened to me today? We practiced last night, too. Sigh.  I thought I’d mess up on my “solo” part but I didn’t. I gained my confidence.  Praise God.

Anyway, I kept shaking and shivering when it’s 27 degrees Celsius hot here until the end of the worship.  I praise God I was able to manage to say the closing prayer.  Thank God for the words!

Well, it’s over now, right? I just embarrassed myself again and it’s time to move on.

THE REMEDY

After a hearty breakfast, I visited the nursery for my daily dose of love (where a dear colleague who taught me how to swim a couple of months back) teach. How pleasurable it is to see little kids run around, play, socialize with friends, learn how to wash their hands or brush their teeth! Oh, they’re so adorable! I’m going to keep visiting them during the break.  I can just watch from a distance if they have a class.  No harm done, right? I also visited Vish in her lab and got back the pink point and shoot Canon camera that I left during my classes’ visit on the Science Lab Open House.

Right now, I am at the school library just taking in the goodness and mercy of God in my life through these morning’s experiences.

THE MERCY

God is such an awesome God! He allows us to encounter heartaches, difficulties, fears, pains so we’d appreciate the beauty of life to its optimum level such as love, joy, peace, patience, self-control, etc.  He loves us so much that after experiencing the worst like what happened to me today, He impressed upon me that importance of practicing to perfection and just enjoying the moment when playing, that I don’t have to stress myself too much whether I succeed or fail.  There are always two sides in a coin.  If I succeed, praise the Lord! If I fail, praise His name.  He won’t turn His back on me because I missed a couple of notes or because I barely controlled my bowing.  He is more concerned with sins in our lives. I believe He was smiling at me when He saw me nervously pray.  I believe He was cheering for me, He was jumping for joy that I conquered the fear of performing in front of my colleagues.  I am leaving in less than 90 days and I really planned on playing for God and for them but I didn’t realize it was going to be today.  I should have prepared myself but it’s all good now.  What is done, is done.  God still loves me and He still accepts the fact that I am still trying to get over this fear and a lot of other fears.  How gracious, how merciful He is!

Prayer: Thank You Lord for another opportunity to come to work early today, to lead out in the faculty worship by playing instruments, and most of all, for accepting me just as I am.  I love You, Lord.  Amen

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